The Worried Boss

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...



' ME . '

What Starts with F and ends in K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:

'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:

'9.'

Principal:

'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:

'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:

'Pants..'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands...'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:

'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the

teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade; I got the last seven questions wrong...'

Difference between Potentially and Realistically

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds." So the boy goes up to his mum and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, and she replies "He is gorgeous, so of course I would!" Then last but not least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million quid?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million pounds, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a homo!!!!!!"

Calling in Sick

Tom phones his boss one morning and says "Sorry Boss I can't come in today I feel really sick, I've got a splitting headache, my stomach is doing somersaults and my legs are like jelly"

"But Tom" says his boss "You know how busy we are today I really need you to come in ! Look whenever I feel ill and think I'm going to miss work I go to my wife and ask her for sex...it always makes me feel a lot better and I've never missed a single day of work because of it"

"OK Boss" says a releuctant Tom "I'll give it a try"

An hour later Tom phones his boss "I took your advise Boss and you where right I feel much better and I'm on my way in now...oh and Boss...thats a beautiful house you've got there....."

Nurses Aren't Supposed To Laugh

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," said Fred, a big man almost 60 years old, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room.

Timing is Everything

ack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.



Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:



"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"



He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"



"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.



Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"



His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"



Broken Coffee Table: £239.99. Hot Breakfast: £4.20. Two Aspirins: £0.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Unique Form of Anger Management

“When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”



I politely said, “This is Rick. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear, “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.



After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an a**hole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word “a**hole” next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an a**hole!” It always cheered me up.



When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic a**hole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an a**hole!” and hung up.



One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.



A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole, I thought that I’d better call the BMW a**hole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” He said, “Yes, it is.” I then asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?” He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house, and the car’s parked right out in front.” I asked, “What’s your name?” He said, “My name is Don Hansen.” I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” He said, “I’m home every evening after five.” I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” He said, “Yes?” I said, “Don, you’re an a**hole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.



Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea… I called a**hole #1. He said, “Hello.” I said, “You’re an a**hole!” but I didn’t hang up. He asked, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah!” He screamed, “Stop calling me!” I said, “Make me.” He asked, “Who are you?” I said, “My name is Don Hansen.” He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?” I said, “a**hole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, a**hole” and hung up.



Then I called a**hole #2. He said, “Hello?” I said, “Hello, a**hole.” He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” I said, “You’ll what?” He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass!” I answered, “Well, a**hole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”



Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax.



I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch the two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.“