These are some true stories that I have read or seen. I guess there must be someone on this Blog who likes reading about funny stories...
Lawn chair Larry
Larry Walters of Los Angeles states “I have fulfilled my twenty years dream.” Larry, a former truck driver for a company that makes TV commercials tells his true story. “I am staying on the ground. I’ve proved the thing works.”
Larry’s boyhood dream was to fly. But fate conspired to keep him from his dream. He joined the US Air Force, but his poor eyesight disqualified him from pilot status. After he was discharged from the US Forces he started truck driving for a TV commercial company. After years of driving and a well earned retirement, Larry sat in his backyard watching jets fly overhead. He hatched his weather balloon scheme while sitting outdoors in his extremely comfortable sears lawn chair. He purchased forty five weather balloons from an Army Navy surplus store, tied then to his lawn chair (Dubbed – Inspiration 1) and filled the four foot diameter balloons with helium. Then he strapped himself into his lawn chair with some sandwiches, Miller Lite Beer, and a pellet gun.
Larry’s plan was to sever the anchor and lazily float up to a height of about thirty feet above his backyard, where he would enjoy a few hours of flight before coming back down. He figured he would pop a few brews and then pop a few of the forty five weather balloons when it was time to descend, and gradually lose altitude. But things didn’t work out quiet as Larry planned.
When his friends cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he did not float lazily up to the thirty feet. Instead, he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon, pulled by a lift of forty five balloons holding thirty three cubic feet of helium each. He didn’t level off at a hundred feet, nor did he level off at sixteen thousand feet.
At that height he felt he couldn’t risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting with his beer and sandwiches for several hours while he considered his options. At one point he crossed the primary approach corridor of LA’s LAX airspace, and Delta and Trans World airline pilots radioed in incredulous reports of a strange sight.
Eventually he gathered the nerve to shoot a few balloons, and slowly descended through the night sky. Hanging tethers tangled and caught in a power line, blacking out a Long Beach neighbourhood for twenty minuets. Larry climbed to safety, where he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked him why he done it.
Larry replied nonchalantly, “A man can’t just sit around.” Larry’s efforts won him a $1,500 FAA fine, a prize from Bonehead club of Dallas, Texas and the altitude record for manned gas filled clustered balloon flight!
The Bricklayer
This is apparently a true story….
This accident report needs an introduction so you won’t be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his letter to the insurance company…..
“I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, so I trust the following details will be sufficient.”
“I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new eighty foot tower. When I had completed my work I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, bought up about three hundred pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the three hundred pounds of tools and materials that are quiet expensive.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I only weigh 155 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the grounds so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the forty foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explained the broken collar bone and fractured skull.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until my fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley system. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11 of the claim form. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the forty foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and dislocated knee, the lacerations of my legs and lower body and the split lip.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me down enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked and a puncture wound to my groin from a precariously placed ring spanner.
I am sorry to report, however that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel hit the pulley eighty feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind and
I let go of the rope….”
Lobster Vasectomy
This tale proves that crime does pay, if you're fishing for elective surgery to go along with your stolen goods.
A twenty four years old supermarket shoplifter stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door, but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to his knees in front of startled cashiers and shoppers when they fastened their powerful claws around his delicate parts.
Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They said the thief would fully recover - except for one small detail. "It was a do it yourself Vasectomy." this man's darling supermarket exploits make him one of the most stupid lobster thieves alive today.
The supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit had already "Gone through enough pain to learn his lesson."
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