DIY.... What a thing that is... normally referred to Destroy It Yourself... but in most professionals eyes... Do It Yourself.... But not all of us are professionals...
DIY holds many tales of emotions and fears amongst most dads out there... well... you don't have to be a dad to do DIY but it helps... a lot of support and counseling is required
To start with you need the plan of action... a drawing or a diagram of the task in hand...
(you see... it is very important that you have this... after all... you will be taking on a task that has many professionals who are highly trained in the field you are going to attempt... take carpentry for example... a professional would have gone to college and learned all the eventualities of woodwork and learned how to do it... you on the other hand... haven't... be honest... you are no carpenter... you just saw how to do it on one of those home improvement programs on TV...)
so you get your plan... now... you need tools....
This is where a man of DIY excells.... they don't just buy the tools they need... they buy extra tools that they don't need because they know... disaster can happen at any time...
They go out to the DIY store one Saturday morning and are greeted buy pimple faced shop assistants that believe a door handle requires a Jack hammer and face mask to install one perfectly...
You walk around the DIY store and see all the dads in there... looking anxious and afraid at first... then happy when they pick up that power drill and nail gun...
First on the list... a tool belt... now this is where it gets very serious... the tool belt will be the best buy of that day.... it has to be comfortable, workable, perfect, handy, and have loads of pockets and clips and gadget holders....
As you put one on... you look in that mirror in the store and instantly think you are John Wayne... "Are you talking to me?... I am talking to you... Are you John Wayne?"
This now inspires you to buy the rest of your arsenal...
Nail Gun... check
Power Drill... check
Cordless Drill.. check
Jig Saw... check
Electric Screw Driver... check
Power Sander.... check
Welding Torch and Acetylene Tank... check
Face Mask... check
Electrical Wiring and Pipe Locater... check
After an hour you have bought out the shop and load your tooled into the Hire Van you are now happy you leased out...
Thats it... you now feel like a DIY God.... speeding home you think over your plan of action and go through what you bought in your mind and know you have all the tools you will ever need...
Getting home... you unload the van into the front room of your house and eagerly unwrap all your goods... putting on a check shirt and jeans... your hard steel toe cap work boots and your hard hat... you then assemble the tool belt and fill up all the pockets...
Standing up... you realize that its far too heavy to even stand up... you remove some of the tools... the Drills go... the Jack Hammer goes... the Work Bench goes and the Hydraulic Pliers go... now your tool belt is more friendly to wear... and you are ready to start...
Now this is where a DIY show presenter should come along and stop you and say... hey buddy... call in a professional...
You walk to the location of the DIY task... and look at it... sigh and then the room goes black... the wolves start howling and the mist starts appearing... the screech of the violin music starts and you remember the other tasks you've taken on before....
Decorating your sons bedroom.... Poly Cell... Poly Filler? Whats the difference?... the paint stayed on the walls longer than you thought.... ok... the DIY task cost you almost £2000 pounds for just that room... and your wife never spoke to you for almost two months... your son had these terrible headaches and the bank manager was a friendly man after "The demand to see you" meeting was over....
The Bathroom door trimming day.... ok... you took an inch off the top instead of the bottom of the door... that was an honest mistake... ok you rectified it and took a inch of two off the bottom of the door.... you heard that Wild West saloon bar doors looked cool on a bathroom.... Ok... one problem being that you can sit on the toilet with the door closed and still see who is coming to the front door.... that reminds me... send a sorry letter and some beer to the post man... it took him weeks to get over the sight of you wiping your arse on the toilet that morning....
The Shelf fitting day.... so you laid your trust in a tool that you didn't know needed batteries... I am talking about that bloody Electrical Wiring and Pipe Finder.... all you did was wave it about around the wall you were putting the shelf up on... didn't hear any beeps... took out your power drill... and blacked out the entire estate for hours as you short circuited the main electrical sub station.... not to mention blowing up your drill and sending you across the room.... your wife thought you looked very beautiful sitting on the mantle piece...
And your classic.... Decorating your sons room.... now... seems harmless but when you went out and bought that paint off that car boot sales man... you failed to read the.... "Luminescent" label didn't you?.... you spend that entire day decorating that room... unknown about the type of paint and when your son first ever turned off the lights to go to sleep.... wham!... instant suntan.... not to mention all those aircraft coming into land over your house using your sons bedroom day glow wall paint as a landing light... not to mention the shock your neighbors had when they woke up in the morning to see the entire south coast population of moths had arrived on their door step...
So you stand there... look at the task in hand and think... how hard can refitting a sink be?
Meeeowwww.... Thump! budum budum budum....
(That was the cat... exiting out the cat flap.... knowing what sort of atmosphere the house would be in... knowing what is to come... has decided that he is too old and too wise to stick around... he is going to go out... catch a few mice... go and chat up some ladies and sleep it off somewhere)....
Gulp.... "Er dad... i um... forgot to say... erm... i need to go out to.. erm... school... yes thats it... i got school today." says your son
"But its Saturday?" you say...
"Yeah... I er.... Its a new thing they have now... er... one Saturday only... extra... er .... work.... bye... see ya dad..."
(that was your son knowing what is about to happen... and deciding he is too young and too wise to stick around.... he is going to go out and play in the dirt and sing some songs to himself and play in the tree house until sun down)
"Ohh dear... honey?... ooo... no... (Sigh)... do you have to do the sink today? i.... er... think that you should do... erm... the.... erm.... lawn yeah? its safer..."
(That was your wife... trying to save the marriage)
Not being diverted from your original plan... you get to work on the sink....
... hours later... the sun has already set... the cat is starting to look like he is banished from the house... your son is making his bed in the tree house... your wife has bitten her nails off to the shoulders...
you appear... from the bathroom... more elastoplast on your hands than the school bully at end of term.... hair a mess... plaster powder grease and black unknown smudges over your face and arms... your jeans torn at the crotch... the tool belt has left its flesh wounds on your stomach... the batteries are dead in the screw driver...
You look at your wife... with a Wallace and Gromit smile on your face.... the eyes show fear and anxiety... your lip is quivering... you lost your voice hours ago with that last shout of... "Oh fuck It!" you quietly come out and look at your wife and son... who has now heard the banging stop... and through fear.... you whisper.... "Its finished"
"Well?... what do you think?" your dad asks
"Erm... I think... huh... ahhh... mmmmmm... well... its... er... yeah" .... Is all you could say
"What about you dear?"
"Well... not meaning to critisize.... but er.... mmph mmmph mmmph..."
....your mum tried to say just as the cat sticks its paw into her mouth to muffle the responce... oh yes... too old and too wise to have anyone make his day sleeping on the bed disturbed again...
DIY is always been a task for the father or the man of the house... mothers expect the dad to know everything.... but then soon criticizes you when you put that "Cat Flap" in the garage door... because you can now drive the car into the garage without opening it up....
But after all those DIY disasters and after all those attempts to get it right... eventually the professional has to come in and take a look
He... huh... he he... hee heee haaaa haaa HAAAAA!
that was his usual response when you first show him your attempt...
So you have to admit defeat to the builder... so what?... ouch! yep... ok... the wife don't look too happy with that last comment.... er... um.... ok... the builder comes in.... i er.... admit defeat... and with thumbs up and a worried smile on my face... i admit defeat!
With all those tasks at hand to do around the home... is it a wonder that something will happen.... painting.... decorating... fixing doors... fixing lightbulbs... making shelves... replacing guttering.... gardening... all these hold potential hazards to your health life and marriage...
to prove how there was this one time.... a long time ago... in a country far far away... across the street from the Smiths... in modern day suburbia.... er... ok... here it is...
Oh dear?...
What?
I am ready to put that flat pack cupboard up now...
Shit... er... ok... i um... was just er... yeah... um... ok dear i will leave you... er... to it
Son? er... Son?... do you want to help me?
Do i have a choice?
No
Ok... if you insist
Ok son.... we are going to put this cupboard together.... i have already laid out all the parts and put all the screws in to their separate piles... all we gotta do is put it together
Do i need life insurance dad?
No.. why do you think that?
Er... no reason
Ok... lets put this thing together...
Dad?
What?
Is it going in the spare room? because....
Look... don't argue... just help me
But...
No... help... don't complain
ok...
so after a few hours of gluing and hammering in nails and putting it together... you finally get the cupboard erected... you stand back and look in admiration...
Ok son... lets get it into the master bedroom....
Dad?
What now?
It won't fit through the door
Really?
Yeah... really
We will try... it should fit through there easily
Dad... i may only be 10... but i can look at these drawings and measurements and can see that.... the cupboard is 7 feet tall by 8 feet long by 4 feet wide... the door is only 6.5 feet tall by 3.5 feet wide and that Bannister will only allow 4 feet length.... so...
Son?
What dad?
Get my sledge hammer and bolster chisel from the garage please... i think this wall needs removing....
and so it began.... the open plan 4 bed semi conversion...
Someday... dads will learn that DIY should never be attempted without some degree of college tuition and maybe a wife that won't freak out when you are sleeping in a room that now is twice the size as it was that morning with scaffolding poles holding the roof up... not to mention a pile of plaster board in the corner and a cat thats freaking out
but all the same... the cupboard is where he wanted it... still wedged in the door frame
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